Sunday.

Its Sunday night. That means tomorrow is Monday. The dreaded Monday.

Even working from home isn't all it's cracked up to be. I've been stressed, overwhelmed, and all the joy has been sucked right out of me. I work until at least midnight every day and I start work at 5am. I've been angry, crazy, exhausted, hungry (who has time to cook?!), not hungry (I forget to eat), my house is filthy (not so great for OCD me), my dogs haven't been walked in weeks, Jon's clothes aren't ironed, I don't have much time to work out, and Lovie spends a lot of time entertaining herself by terrorizing anything she can get her happy little hands on.

I feel like I'm missing a lot. I'm missing a lot even though I'm in the same room as her most of the day. All I want to do is stack up blocks, watch Lovie knock them over, and have her sit in my lap and point to the 'pup' on every page of 'My Good Morning Book'.

Bring on the panic attacks.

No, seriously. I started having panic attacks. At first I thought it was a heart attack between the tingling, the stomach upset, the chest pains, and the dizziness. Everything except the chest pain has been happening since Lovie came along, The chest pain is new. It started when I'd open my laptop to work. Then the tears. Oh, the tears.

After a year of suffering and waiting for it to go away, I finally visited my NP in true crazy form. She assured me that I wasn't really crazy, but that I was suffering from Postpartum Anxiety Disorder and Postpartum OCD. Who knew these things even existed?
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Postpartum Anxiety/Panic Disorder:

• intense anxiety and/or fear
• rapid heart rate
• sense of doom, or overwhelming dread
• hot or cold flashes
• chest pain
• stomach pain
• shaking
• dizziness
• insomnia

Postpartum Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: 

• anxiety
• depression
• repetitive behavior
• excessive cleaning
• intrusive, repetitive thoughts
• avoiding the baby and/or other people, along with negative stimuli such as intense or scary movies or TV programs, bad news or stories, to alleviate intrusive thoughts.

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I'm generally okay on the weekend. During the weekdays, not so much. I hired a nanny to help me out during the day, and I thought I'd take advantage of the freedom and have a Lovie-free lunch with Jon this past week. I had a panic attack out of no where at the restaurant. For no reason. I could hardly even eat. It's extremely debilitating.

This may seem weird to blog about, but apparently this is something less common than PPD, and others might need to know about it. So there you have it. I'm officially off my rocker.

Also, I'm using this as an excuse as to why this is the most depressing and bitchy 'family' blog you've ever read.

I'm trying this new venture called relaxing a little. I'll let you guys know how it goes. Tonight I moved one of my cups in the cabinet a bit to the left making it nonparallel with the rest of row. This is progress people, progress.